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Comic’s Hearing

by on February 4, 2011

So you tell me I’ve got one last chance to stand up and explain myself. Well the first thing, Judge: he said I was as drunk as…

What?

Well okay, ‘Your Honour’. The prosecutor-guy said I was as drunk as a judge and I wasn’t.

What?

Yes, I meant as drunk as a lord, mi’lord. But can I get on with it?

It was more ‘unsound judgement in the pursuit of a true calling’ than ‘indecent assault’ like prosecutor-guy says. You can tell he hires a buff Latino to clean the pool for his wife; meanwhile he’d rather be doing ‘litigation’ instead. Hey, nothing personal dude, all lawyers are soulless fucks.

Yeah, okay, sorry Judge-dude – occupational hazard you know – podium, microphone, bored audience – maybe sometimes you like to pass judgement when you’re sitting in the theatre.

Right. My story. It was no big deal if you understand the context – I was working, I needed new material and my muse was on maternity leave after last season. Suddenly, in the bar mirror behind the barman, I see this bald guy wearing white cargo pants and a bright apricot golf shirt – And I think to myself: What would cute guy do if someone tall gave into temptation and leapt on him and kissed him all over that soft, shiny dome with a vigour usually reserved for puppies.

The problem was I didn’t know how he would react – and I needed to know – for my career, for my art, to fill my role in this society!

Time up already? It goes so fast when my flow gets flowing; just got to say that if the court liked what it heard today it should swing by the Jet stream club and pay to see my new show: “Stand Up For Sentencing!”

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5 Comments
  1. I loved this, it made me giggle. It’s a beautiful conflation of the two single-voice situations, and the way you segue between them is cunning and amusing. I particularly enjoyed the gag moments – “I meant as drunk as a lord, mi’lord” (minor nitpick, it’s more usually spelled “milord” or “m’lud”) and “all lawyers are soulless fucks”… you have to simply enjoy the speaker joyously digging himself into a bigger and bigger hole. In a sense the actual crime, while amusing, isn’t really the point – the point is the dissolving of boundaries between the two voices. Thank you, my week badly needed this kind of enjoyment.

    • Very glad you enjoyed it and got something from it – I was very unsure of it and had a lot of problems with it. Glad you got the courtroom vs stand-up ambiguity which was the point.

  2. parfles permalink

    [Edit: half my comment got eaten so I’m recreating here – sorry!]

    I am not sure if I like this or not. When it flows, it’s great and it gets the voice and humour right. but I kept stumbling on bits which jarred me out of it:

    So you tell me I’ve got one last chance to stand up and explain myself. (I would have left this out – it’s exposition and the next sentence puts you in the action just fine.)

    You can tell he hires a buff Latino to clean the pool for his wife… (This came out of nowhere and I wasn’t sure who he was talking about and how the Latino came into it – jarred .)

    … maybe sometimes you like to pass judgement when you’re sitting in the theatre. (I would put in a “?” at the end, but even then, the “you” sounded like a generic “you” and not the judge – How about “don’t you sometimes feel like passing judgment when you’re sitting in a theatre?” )

    What would cute guy do if someone tall gave into temptation and leapt on him and kissed him all over that soft, shiny dome with a vigour usually reserved for puppies. (I miss the questionmark at the end of this)

    … for my career, for my art, to fill my role in this society! (Again, the pacing feels just slightly off for a speaker. May be break it up to punctuate it more?)

    …court liked what it heard today it should swing by… (suggest comma after today)

    Whinge, whinge. The idea is great and the execution is bits of very funny (agree with Doc’s comments about the good bits) moments, just the stringing together is a bit clunky. Tha’s all, folks 🙂

  3. The two things that I enjoyed the most were Our Hero’s voice, which comes out throughout the piece. Also, I liked how this court appearance and Our Hero’s stand-up show become intertwined.

    Sometimes I’m not sure that I completely understand the humour, other than it being an attempt to rile someone up. For instance, the joking about being drunk as a judge or a lord in the opening paragraphs.

    Some nitpicks:

    I did find the pool-boy bit amusing, but I wondered if the portion beginning, “meanwhile …” meant to imply that instead of sleeping with his wife he’d rather be in court (which I assumed, because it’s more insulting and in keeping with Our Hero’s style), or that he’d rather be in court than organising the pool-boy (the sentence reads a lot better this way to me).

    > golf shirt – And I think to myself
    The em-dash followed by a capitalisation stood out a bit for me. I think that the “And” should either be lower-case or the beginning of a new paragraph.

    > cute guy
    While I do think this is perfectly fine by itself, all the other “-guy” and “-dude” people were hyphenated.

    > The problem was[,] I didn’t know how he would react
    Every time I read this, I felt that it needed a comma.

  4. cbraz permalink

    I thought this was effective, and a lot of the humour was very funny. I like the situation of a comedian in courthouse doing his routine – it was nicely done.

    My only real problem with the piece is that I don’t like the protagonist at all and that style of humour often rubs me up the wrong way. Having said that, the fact that I disliked the character, found him rough and obnoxious, and was sometimes irritated by the jokes means to me that you captured the situation and the character beautifully.

    I also agree with Parfles about the “maybe sometimes you like to pass judgement when you’re sitting in the theatre.” feeling a bit generic. Her suggestion works better for me here.

    Powerful, impressive piece.

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