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Standing up

by on February 6, 2011

Just open your eyes and sit up. That’s all you have to do for now. Don’t think about what comes next. Just summon enough effort to raise those eyelids, lever your back off this bed and sit up. That’s the first step done, and the rest will follow. You’ll see; it will be easy after that.  Don’t think about it too much. That’s the way of failure, the way to sink back down into the safe place.

But is it really safe? If it were really safe, then you wouldn’t have to get up at all, would you?

Shut up! That is exactly what I’m talking about – I don’t have the time or energy to start in on negative philosophising. The inescapable point is that you have to get up, so FUCKING SIT UP!

Okay, you’re sitting. That’s an achievement. It’s the first step.

Just make sure you don’t lie back down again or all that effort will be wasted.

Oh shit…why did you even let that thought enter your mind. Do you know why? Because you’re a negative, self-pitying idiot who’s desperate to make herself fail at even the most ridiculously simple thing that millions of people do every single day. Now don’t compound it, don’t even think about it. You’re half way there. All you have to do is stand up.

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3 Comments
  1. parfles permalink

    Wonderful inner dialogue! I suspected something much more sinister, and it’s delightful to have that mundane ending superimposed on all this deep suffering and fear. I detect touches of personal experience 🙂 Having said that, I can identify with this, I’ve had jobs like this…

    I enjoyed the rough language and the pitch was perfect. I like the monologue being a dialogue and the changing font conveys this effectively. It’s interesting how this theme has brought up similar concepts – much swearing and the idea of the split self in both your and comovedy’s story. And oh, using CAPS in yours and mine 😉

    I’ll try nitpick but there is nothing major: I would put a questionmark after “…enter you mind.”

    I love the cleanness of “don’t compound it”. The whole tone just works. Thank you! Enjoyed it.

  2. It makes me think of a Monday morning and I thought the inner dialogue was very real.

  3. Enjoyed the idea – as other have said it one starts off assuming something much darker and harder and only slowly come round to the idea of getting out of bed.

    Think the light, rough tone works well to convey the importance of the little things at the time.

    Felt that ‘ to start in on negative philosophising’ would sound okay spoken but it made me stumble as a written sentence because it is too slangy / informal.

    Loved the self-pity, obsession with self-pity and aggressive rejection of self-pity – everyone seems to experience and understand this – this part touches something common to us all.

    Interesting (if somehow sad) read – very skilled that it seems to be very personal when it is actually about such a common experience.

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